malec - I am nothing
by smokypelt
Summary: COLS SPOILER ALERT! So... The malec break up. Had us all in tears. This isn't really a summary, but I have no idea what to write so I'm kind of rambling... Will be multichaptered and Ummmmmmmmm... Yeah. After city of lost souls. That's all, unless I'm severely mistaken and there's something I don't know about... SORRY ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

No. This can't be happening. I stare at magnus's retreating figure, too stunned to move. Slowly, shakily, I slide to the ground. My fears are confirmed: magnus never loved me. He loved someone else, someone called will. That hated name rings in my mind; will, will, will. WILL is who magnus loves, not me. He was only with me because I looked like him. And now that I know magnus has broken up with me.

No. It's not magnus's fault. It's mine, all mine! I should never have gone to Camille. I should never have even thought of shortening his life!

But I always knew he would break up with me someday, even if all this with Camille hadn't happened. I mean, magnus was MAGNUS, wonderful, sparkly, incredible magnus. He could get absolutely anyone he wanted, he could turn a straight man gay with just one wink of his glittery, eye-shadowed, emerald and amber cat pupilled eyes. And I was just... me. Plain, boring, awkward me. Even if what he said was true, even if I WAS beautiful (which I wasn't, despite how many times he said it), would he still love my once my hair turned white, and my blue eyes faded? I think not.

But it needn't have been so soon. I feel hated spread through me, hatred at Camille. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her.

* * *

I don't look back. I don't want him to see that I'm crying. I never thought this would happen, I thought if anything, Alec would be the one to break up with me, realising he could never truly be with me. But then again, I never thought Alec would do this. How could he? It was one thing for ME to contemplate becoming a mortal for Alec, and another thing entirely for him to consider shortening my life. He claims he was only going to tell her no, but do I believe him? He could have said the same thing by just not going to her.

Bubbly anger brews inside me, but not at Alec. I could never be angry at Alec. No, it was Camille I was mad at. It was all her fault. She's the one who dragged me and Alec back from our vacation, she's the one who tempted Alec, she's the one who started this whole thing by bringing up Will Herondale. Dear god, William. I mean, it's not even like i DID love him! I just used him to make Camille jealous... But now Alec thinks I'm only with him because he looks like Will. It's true, Alec does look a bit like Will, with the startlingly white skin, that contrasted beautifully with inky black hair, and those strikingly blue orbs, but the resemblance ends there. Will's features were cold and hard, like a marble statue, his smile confident and sure of himself, but not quite happy. Except when with Tessa or jem, or one he loved; then his eyes become soft and his smile tender, and overall was a lot quieter and more serious.

Alec is completely opposite. Usually, he is serious, uncomfortable looking, and incredibly shy. His features, though angular, are a lot softer, more child-like. And he's so adorable, and so beautiful, even more so because he refuses to believe it. When he's with his sister, he's a lot like will with Tessa or jem. And then you have him with me. It's like he has an alter ego, one who is confident, comfortable, who's blue orbs glow with true happiness.

I'm more like will. I may act like nothing fazes me, I throw parties, flirt with strangers, my smirk clearly states: "I am absolutely fabulous and don't I know it", but when I'm with Alec... I am soft, gentle, loving. I would do anything for him. I was never like that with any of my other lovers. Alec is different, someone I can't be without.

But now I am. Without him. And it's killing me, although I was the one who ended things. It was just... I didn't trust him any more. And when you can't trust the one you love most of all, then what are you? Nothing. You are nothing at all.

**wow. I did not intend to write that. I was in a car and bored so I started writing... No idea where that came from. **

**Please review? Like seriously, it doesn't take long! Even if you don't have an account, you can still review!**

**Plus, if I get reviews, I might just continue it... Hint hint... But you know, only if I got reviews... *COUGH COUGH COUGH hint hint COUGH***

**But like, seriously, review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**so here is the next chapter because I finally got a review from someone who I didn't force to! So thank you X. .Naturae.x.X! Anywho, enjoy! It's a bit short, but... At least it's something, right?**

**Disclaimer: what's even the point? I think we all know it's not mine already... oh and also the first chapter isn't mine either, I was having a writer's block so my good friend Defne helped out and wrote the first chapter! So this is dedicated to her because she's pretty awesome! She doesn't actually know I'm writing this I'm so looking forward to get reaction! Defne! You are epic! Then you!**

**So, onward with the story!**

I walked across the abandoned subway station staring at Magnus, as his silhouette slowly disappeared into the shadows. I can't believe it! What have I done! will i ever see Magnus again?! And if so... What will our next meeting be like? Me, standing there awkwardly and Magnus trying not to meet my eye... How could I live without him? Was this really happening? If I was to go after him, would he want it? If i let Magnus go, my life will end almost immediately...I cannot imagine living without him!

"Magnus!" I called out, but there was no reply from Magnus, only the howling echo of my voice. I was alone...or at least I thought I was...

I crumpled to the ground, then, getting up again, fell down once more. I was aware of footsteps coming up to my barely breathing body, and the last thing I heard before darkness enveloped me was a sadistic voice saying:

"Well well well, what have we here?"

* * *

Opening my eyes, I blinked groggily... What was I doing here, and not magnus's apartment? suddenly the events of last night came back to me in a flood of horror. Magnus broke up with me. Magnus hated me, and it was all my fault. I became aware of a figure standing in front of me... Sebastian. In my pathetic state I managed to take in my surroundings; I was being held up by chains to the ceiling holding my hands high above my head, and my feet were chained to the floor - I was being stretched slightly.

"Sebastian..." I manage to splutter.

"The one and only,"he grins. "I was going to hold you ransom to make the Clave give up the war, but I've wanted to do this for so long, and it would probably actually help if I tortured you a little, as long as I kept you alive... And when I say a little I mean a lot." He smirked. Stupid bastard. He walked away, into a room leading from this one, and shut the door behind him. But not before I saw a room full of torture devices I hadn't thought existed. Clanks of metal could be heard, before Sebby appeared again, his arms full. Dumping the devices down, he laughed, and then left by a different door, pausing to say:

"I'll leave you here to stare at your fate, anticipating the horrors coming your way. Oh, by the way, I hope your hungry. I might just feed you - but don't count on it. I'll only do what I have to to keep you alive."

And then he left me, hanging, unwilling to believe that this could be anything but a horrible dream. Boy was I wrong.

**so, again, reviews=updates... Not that I want to blackmail you guys or anything...**

**But yeah, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! doesn't take, long, don't need an account.**

**Or follow, or fave, or pm me and ramble about whatever. I don't particularly care. Just do something.**


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n so, a quick update! This is because I GOT REVIEWS! *hint hint***

**But really, how am I meant to know if you like it or not if you don't review? So, thank you again to X. .Naturae.x.X, Defne, Cassie, and all you anonymous guest reviewers! Um, Cassie asked if it would be a quick malec reunion or a long one, and.. Actually, I don't really know... I mean obviously it's going to take a while for Alec to be saved, but after that? I haven't really thought that far... If all you guys reading this could review and say if you'd prefer them to quickly get back or me to add some obstacles...**

**Again, dedicated to Defne for helping out and offering some very nice torture suggestions for later use (that sounds so weird)!**

Think you've ever been in pain? You have no idea.

* * *

"So." Laughs Sebastian, it is a horrifying laugh, because it actually seems like he is amused. "Any ideas of how you want me to torture you? I mean, I've got plenty, but I'm always open to requests! I just need you to look like you're in intense pain for the cameras. Shouldn't be hard, since you will _be_ in intense pain."

He walks right up to me, closer than I am comfortable with. But then again, I should probably be getting used to not being comfortable. My stupid brain is still thinking calmly, it refuses to come to terms with what's about to happen. But not for long.

When Sebastian picks up what seems to be one of those things you use to brand things, tears sting in the back of my eyes as realisation suddenly strikes me that now it is all really happening.

He walks behind me; I can't see what's going on, but I can hear a fire crackling. He's not really going to brand me, is he? I begin to hyperventilate — I have been burnt before and it's the most horrible thing you can imagine. No! No, no, no, no, no! How will I survive these next few days!? If only Magnus were here too... No, if Magnus were here it would mean he was being tortured too, and I would rather be tortured a million the amount I'm about to be than have Magnus be tortured.

Sebastian is back. I can see the red hot brander in his hands.

"You don't like attention, right? Well, if you ever get out of here, you'll be attracting attention everywhere with this," and he hoisted up the brander so I could see what the metal letters read: FAG.

I closed my eyes and swallowed. It was worse that Sebastian had spied on us, because it meant that he knew me, so he knew what I hated most. It was true that the council already knew about me, but that didn't mean I was fine with everyone who so much as glanced at me knowing which way I swung.

My thoughts were shattered by a searing pain on my forehead, the hot metal was being pressed against it, burning off layers of skin, I tried my hardest not to let him have the satisfaction of hearing me scream, but I couldn't hold them in, an agonising shriek ripped from my throat, tears pouring out of my eyes, more even than those shed when Magnus left me. I couldn't think straight, couldn't see straight, couldn't feel straight, but for the feel of blood flowing down my face, and the... the word pain hardly seems suitable, for it is so much more than that. This isn't pain, it can't be, for if it is then all of you can safely say you have never even come near pain, and that isn't true. Everyone feels pain, but nobody will ever feel mine.

Sebastian slowly removes the brander, eyes alive with a manic glint. The metal is gone, but the burn isn't, and with the burn comes the pain.

"You think that hurt" laughed Sebastian, "you've experienced nothing." And with that he left me again, weeping, bleeding, hanging.

**sorry it's so short but... well, it's better than nothing!**

**Reviews, one again, means updates!**


	4. Chapter 4

**hi guys! Here is a quick update, because I got reviews from people who didn't only review because I threatened them! Thank you, guys!**

**Also, torture ideas are always welcome (gosh that sounds weird) although in this chapter there's a break from Alec. **

**Anyway, enjoy!**

Isabelle's POV

Where is Alec? He keeps leaving to places I don't know, and I was getting worried, but this time he hasn't returned. It's been two days since I last saw him. If it were jace I wouldn't worry, but Alec was never one to disappear without telling anyone. He always remembered us, always told us if he was going to be late home. He didn't this time. He just vanished. But I shouldn't worry, he's probably just with Magnus. But wait - isn't Magnus in the infirmary? I run there, my heart in my mouth, unsure of what I will find there but — Magnus is gone! Well... If Magnus and Alec are both gone it probably means they ran off to magnus's apartment, but... still, better to check. I quickly dial magnus's number, and he picks up after the second ring.

"I'm sorry, Iz. I had to do it." Comes magnus's voice - but it doesn't sound like magnus's voice. It sounds as if he has been crying, devoid of any happiness. I am confused. What is he talking about?

"I mean, Izzy, I still love him! I love him, but I don't trust him... I'm so sorry! But I had to break up with him..."

Whoa. Wait, what?

"YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM!?" I shrieked down the phone. There is a brief pause; I hear magnus's breath hitch.

"Wait... He didn't tell you?"

"NO, HE DIDN'T TELL ME, HE DIDN'T COME HOME!"

The pause which follows is horrible, it is silence, but we can both hear each other's worry, and dread at what might have happened.

"Alec..." Magnus sounds broken, so filled with guilt that I subconsciously forgive him. "Alec, I'm so sorry... Iz, do you have any idea where he might be?"

I think, but Alec never was one for secret places, apart from his room, but I would know if he was there - he would have had to come through the door.

"No." This time my voice cracks as well. "Where did you see him last?"

"I left him in the abandoned subway, near to hotel Dumot. He didn't go that way, because I went that way, and..."

He doesn't have to continue. I know he would have stopped and cried. He would have seen if Alec has passed.

"So he must be near the institute... I'm sure he's fine. Probably just stopped at a pub or something." Like that's even a possibility. You don't stay in a pub for two days.

"But Alec doesn't drink?" The statement is a question. I might have half forgiven Magnus, but that doesn't mean I'm not angry at him - I let a little venom soak into my voice when I reply: "no, but he doesn't usually have his heart broken, either."

Magnus gave a heart-wrenching sob, and I immediately regretted my harsh words.

"I'll come round to your place," I said, my voice quieter and gentler, "we'll find him, I promise." What was I doing comforting HIM? I'm the one who needed comforting! Alec was MY brother, not his, and besides, HE just broke up with him! But still... by comforting Magnus, I comforted myself, and Magnus seemed to be the only one who loved Alec as much as me or jace, and jace would be no help, since he was still in the infirmary from when Clary stabbed him. Magnus was the only one who could help now.

"Oh, and Magnus?" I say before he can put down the phone, "why did you break up with my brother?"

"I found out he was visiting Camille about making me mortal. I do love him, Iz, more than I've ever loved before. I just don't trust him."

I nod. I fully forgive Magnus now, although I love my brother, he was being stupid and I understand why Magnus broke up with him. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it though. They always were my OTP.

* * *

I slide to the ground as Izzy puts down the phone. Alec is missing. What if he ran away? What if something happened to him on his way home? It's all my fault. I should never have left him by himself, I should've walked him home, but I didn't. I didn't, and now he's gone. And it's all my fault. It's my fault he went to Camille, yet I was the one who ended things, and now Alec is paying the price. I've got to find him.

There is a quick rap on the door, I let her in with a snap of my fingers. She walks right up to me; I stand, reluctantly raising my red, bloodshot eyes to hers - and she slaps me, hard, across my cheek, a stinging red mark already forming.

"You deserved that." She says. I can only nod. It's true.

She slaps me again, across the other cheek. "And that." Slap. "And that." And then she falls into my arms, hugging me tightly. "Please find my brother," she sobs. I feel the tears leaking out of my own eyes as well; I hug her back.

"I will," I whisper gently into her ear, "I promise."

**so... As always, not that I want to blackmail you, reviews equals updates!**

**Also, review if you not a cold hearted idiot who thinks Alec and Magnus should stay broken up because all homos are disgusting. There we go. And because I can see how many people read without reviewing, I will know just how many of you are homophobes. Hopefully, that should get the reviews rolling in!**

**I will try to update within a week of getting a review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n sorry this took a while but it's up! And Apparently, like, a hundred people are homophobes? Because that's how many people didn't review. So review.**

The next time Sebastian came in there was someone else with him. A demon, noticed Alec. What was Sebastian doing with a demon woman?

"Lightwood, I'd like you to meet my friend, Aliah." Drawled Sebastian. Aliah was a light violet colour, with darker purple hair and red eyes. She was wearing a purple dress, and if not for the colouring, looked remarkably mundane.

"My darling Sebby," she giggled, "this is the prisoner you were telling me about?"

Sebastian wrapped an arm around her waist. "Yes." Leading her up to Alec, who was confused as to why Sebastian would be acting like this to a demon, Sebastian addressed Alec, "aliah here has... Special skin. To touch it is to burn with excruciating pain, if she wishes it. That's why her dress is dyed with her blood, so it too is painful to touch. She'll be helping me out with your... Well. Your torture."

"Not for free," aliah added, looking at Sebastian, "don't forget my payment, Sebby dearest."

Sebastian ground his teeth and looked disgusted, though he plastered a grin on his face. "Tonight, aliah, if you do well, tonight."

Alec felt sick as he realised what aliah demanded of Sebastian, and sick as he realised that Sebastian hated him so much that he would do that just to hurt him.

"But," Alec blurted out, before he could stop himself, "how come you're touching her?"

Sebastian cast him a look of distain. "Weren't you listening? If she wishes it. Which, right now, I really don't think she does."

_Of course_, Alec remembered.

Aliah stalked right up to Alec, and trailed a finger down his chest. Nothing happened. Aliah's face went from confusion to annoyance. She quickly stripped him, leaving only his boxers on. Alec shivered at the sudden blast of cold air. Aliah eyed him, making him blush. Then she stepped forward... And kissed him. Alec's eyes shot open. What? Suddenly... The pain. Coursing through his veins like fire, everywhere aliah touched him, it burnt. Aliah rubbed her hands all over his back, her body pressed right up against him.

Alec screamed. He screamed, and writhed, trying to get away from aliah, in vain. It felt like he was being skinned alive, like flames were being pressed against him... It was agony. Complete and utter agony. It added insult to the injury, the fact that she was kissing him. At least he didn't like girls that way, because that would just be... Ugh. For some reason, Alec felt his stupid, messed up brain starting to write poetry. He always did that when he was in pain. It wasn't even good poetry, it didn't rhyme, didn't have a rhythm. But it reflected his feelings.

_Mouths open wide_

_Screaming, no sound_

_Leaves their lips_

_Burning, forever_

_Nothing shall end_

_Their torture_

_Nobody will save them_

_Nobody cares_

_About them_

_About the fire in their veins_

_The flames that engulf them_

_Their pain._

_The pain_

_Nothing will end the pain._

_The pain of no hope_

_Of rescue._

Alec had lost hope. And it hurt. He couldn't rely on Magnus any longer. Magnus wouldn't save him. Magnus didn't love him. No one knew where he was. No one cared where he was. No one would stop the pain. Alec blacked out.

**So. Sorry, the poem's rubbish. Oh well. review if you ship Alibastian. Review if you hate Alibastian. Review if you love Sebby. Review if you hate Sebby. Review if your name is Peter. Review if your name is not peter. There. That covers everyone. **

**Reviews = updates.**


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